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Domestic Violence
(Part 1) - what are the warning signs?
by Michael
R. Barnes
Domestic Violence is a pattern of
controlling behavior by one person who has or has
had
a personal, intimate or family relationship with another
person. This may be a spouse, an ex-
spouse, a live-in partner, or someone with whom you
have had a child. Domestic Violence may
include making threats to you, slapping, choking or
pushing, holding you down, kicking, forcing
or pressuring you to have sex when you don’t
want to, or any other types of unwanted touching.
Other people have been where you
are. In 1996, more than 4 million women in the
United States were abused by their partners, and unfortunately,
almost 4,000 were killed. In that same year, injuries
caused by Domestic Violence hurt more women than all
of the auto accidents, mugging and all rapes combined.
There are things that your partner
may do that are considered “RED FLAGS.”
These red
flags can help you decide whether or not you are in
a dangerous or potentially dangerous
relationship. Look at the list below and put a check
by the ones that apply to you.
-
Does your partner tease you in
hurtful ways in public or in private?
-
Does your partner call you names
like “stupid” or “bitch?”
-
Does your partner act jealous
in front of your friends, family or co-workers?
-
Does your partner read your mail
or go through your purse or other personal things?
-
Does your partner check up on
you by calling, driving by or getting someone
else to
check?
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Does your partner make important
family decisions without you because he’s
the “man?”
-
Has your partner gone places
with you just to “keep on eye on you?”
-
Does your partner insist on knowing
whom you talk to on the phone?
-
Have you lost friends or do you
no longer see some of your family because of your
partner?
-
Does your partner accept no blame
for his failures at work or with money?
-
Does your partner get mad so
easily that you feel like you are “walking
on eggshells?”
-
Does your partner accuse you
of seeing someone else?
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Does your partner often drink?
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Does your partner often use drugs?
-
Does your partner insist that
you drink or do drugs with him?
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Is your partner like a “Jekyll
and Hyde;” acting one way in front of people
and another
way when you are alone?
-
Does our partner hit walls, drive
dangerously or do other things to scare you?
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Does your partner threaten to
hurt you, your children, your pets or other family
members?
-
Does your partner force you to
have sex when you do not want to?
-
Does your partner force you to
have sex in ways you do not want to?
-
Does your partner force you to
have sex to “make up” after a fight
or after he has hurt
you?
-
Does your partner have a history
of violence that has become worse over time?
-
Has your partner threatened to
kill you or commit suicide if you ever leave him?
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Has your partner
ever put his hands on/around your throat?
Your safety is IMPORTANT. If you recognize
any of these “red flags” as things
happening in your relationship, you should speak with
a domestic violence counselor. The toll
free number to do just that is (800) 500-1119. A domestic
violence counselor can be reached 7 days a week, 24
hours a day. Take advantage of it.
Abusers are not predictable and every
case of domestic violence is different. Planning
ahead may help keep you and your children safe. A
safety plan should be made with the help of a domestic
violence counselor or advocate. In your personal safety
plan, you might think about the following:
Decide where you can go for help.
Tell someone what is happening and have phone
numbers of friends, family and a domestic violence
shelter with you at all times.
Make a “getaway bag”
in case you need to leave quickly. Include things
for you and your
children that you must have or that would be difficult
to replace like: driver’s license, birth
certificates, car registration, school/medical records,
medications, change of clothes, check
book and ATM card, credit cards, social security cards.
Teach your children emergency action
like: how to call 911; how to escape the house
during violence; safe places to go (like a neighbor’s
or friend’s house).
More information next week in Part
2.
Michael R. Barnes
practices law in Key West, Florida. His comments are
provided as a pro
bono community service and are not offered as legal
advice for a particular set of
circumstances. This article was materially assisted
in its preparation by his paralegal, Christine Gorman.
Factual information regarding domestic violence was
taken in large part from “Domestic Violence
Resource Handbook” a brochure produced by Florida
Prosecuting
Attorneys Association. If you are concerned that you
may need a lawyer, you are encouraged to contact one
and follow his or her advice for your individual situation.
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