At various places on the internet
you can find an analysis of French Military History
which may put into perspective how unimportant they
are to the present Iraq situation. Statistically,
having the French on your side appear to virtually
guarantee defeat. Let's take a look at the mighty
French military prowess:
Gaellic Wars - Lost. In a war whose
ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,
France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved
at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently
creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes
the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes
0-5-4 against the Huguenots
Thirty Years War - France is technically
not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen
take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's
War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie.
Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the
world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost.
The War also gave the French their first taste of
a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that
will become quite familiar to future Americans, France
claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare: "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily
due the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary
victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership
of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany
first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's
ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France
is saved by the United States. Thousands of French
women find out what it's like to not only sleep with
a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II - Lost. Conquered French
liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces
plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks
the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic
Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the
First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always
beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First
Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping
in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans
and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender
to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge
in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly
enough to count on the French should not be "Can
we count on the French?", but rather "How
long until France surrenders?"
Donald Rumsfeld was reported to observe
that, “Going to war without France is like going
deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave
behind a lot of noisy baggage."
